Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
