We're facebook friends in real life
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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