You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
