hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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