i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She said her name was "party"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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