a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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