he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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