3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Randomize
