To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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