I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
