wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
