dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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