I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
