My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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