i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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