i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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