dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
