If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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