I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
