In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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