i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
