Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
