I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
