DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
