I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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