Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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