omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
