I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
