note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
