I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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