I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
