between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
