She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
