i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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