she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
