I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
