I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
