God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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