my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
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I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
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Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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