Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
