i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
