I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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