Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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