just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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