Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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