I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
