Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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