ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
