so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
