mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
