So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
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I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
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I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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