I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
