dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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