Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
