All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
