I'm so fucking centered right now
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
