We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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