I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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