We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
