The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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