i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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