Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
