Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
