Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
