Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
