I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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