Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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