I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
