u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
