I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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