Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
