apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
