i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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